i live with crazy people.

The Age of the Crate

Here’s a crate:

Multiply that by around 35, and you have the total number of crates in our house.

One day Andre decided that instead of furniture, that’s what we needed. So he began finding them. I don’t know where they came from. All I know is that I’d be sitting at home and he’d come in the front door with four or so of them. Gradually they accumulated and we were overrun. So then the Optimus SubPrime Mortgage Robot was created.

I went to bed around 10 minutes after taking that photo. While I was asleep, Andre got bored so he moved the robot to right outside my door. When I got up at 7.30 am for work, I opened my door and it collapsed on me. I then had a cut on my face.

Another time, Daniel was sitting near our ‘coffee table’ (two crates and a slab of wood) when he saw a redback spider. He squealed and ran away, leaving me to take it outside and hose it down.

So from the crates I got a cut to the face and exposure to fatal spiders. Yet the crates remain, relentless in their attempts to kill me. One day they shall rise, declare Andre their lord, and take over the world.

At least they're learning.

Andre: “Nah man I don’t really like anal hey…Oh Rose, hey there…”

Daniel: “Okay like the third time, I had her up against that wall there…Oh Rose, you’re still here! Sorry.”

Some guy on my couch: “Yeah her muscle control was amazing. I paid like a thousand bucks…. Rose you should leave for the rest of this story actually..”

Social networking 101

Daniel: “I have too many friends on Facebook. I’m going to delete people.”

Me: “I wish I was brave enough to do that.”

Daniel: “Yeah…hey, do you think I should delete the girl from high school whose mum I fucked?”

Me: “Uhhh, tricky question. You could make great ‘your mum’ jokes to her.”

Daniel: “True. Plus she’s hot and doesn’t know about it so maybe one day I’ll fuck her too. Yeah, she can stay.”

Worst conversation ever.

Me: “Yay, new Nintendo 64! Let’s play Goldeneye!”

Daniel: “Yes! Great idea. I’ll get the controllers connected.”

Andre: “Nah guys, I want to spend my study break watching Jamie Oliver.”

Daniel: “Oh yeah sure man, that’s cool. Hey Rose, clean the kitchen so I can cook dinner.”

An end to famine, Andre style.

Andre: “Why doesn’t someone just build a massive McDonalds in the middle of Sudan? That’d shut them up.”

Me: “I don’t think quickly served high fat food is what they’re crying out for.”

Andre: “Well fuck them, they can just get served gruel then. In fact, they should build a huge nuclear power plant. Either there’s a massive Chernobyl event and the problem is solved straight away, or they all become sterile.”

Me: “Well, that’s one solution I guess.”

Andre: “The FINAL solution!”

The rape lesson.

One night, Andre, his girlfriend and Daniel went out drinking. I was out, but I had to work the next day so I went home at around 10.30.

One hour later, they get home. I pretended to be asleep. Andre opens my door, and starts talking to me. I ignored him, and he told everyone I needed a hug. So I had all three of them on top of me in my bed hugging me. Obviously, I started struggling. Then this happened:

Andre: “Ha, you’re so tiny and useless. You couldn’t get me off you. I could so easily rape you. Hey Nicole, look at how I could rape her.”

Then he mimed raping me, for a good ten minutes while Daniel and Nicole laughed hysterically.

I tried hitting him, but then he ‘accidentally’ punched me in the face. (The accidental nature of that punch has been questioned.)

So then I kicked Daniel in the balls, because Andre likes him more than me and that made them leave.

Most offensive conversation so far.

This took place as Daniel drove us through creepy back streets trying to find the dealer.

Me: “I think this is a dead end. Turn around.”

Daniel: “Yep, a dead end. A creepy dark alley with a dead end. Well, guess there’s no choice but to rape you. Look, there’s even a dirty mattress over there.”

Andre: “What the hell, is this some wedding night? You going to throw some rose petals down too? We don’t need a mattress to get our rape on.”

Me: “I’d like to go home now.”

Conversation with Andre

Andre: “Dealer isn’t calling us back! We need you to ask twitter for weed.”

Me: “No. No. No, I’m not going to do that. No.”

Andre: “Come on. Just do it in a sarcastic cryptic way. Just type ‘Holden? wink face’ and the weed shall come.”

Me: “No! Not everyone talks like you fucking idiots and I’m not fucking asking Twitter for weed! NO.”

Andre: “Fucking bitch, what’s the point of all those people if they don’t get you weed?!”

Me: “Did you know the NSW police follows me on Twitter?”

Andre: “What the fuck, the cops have internet?! Can they do that?!”