i live with crazy people.

The rape lesson.

One night, Andre, his girlfriend and Daniel went out drinking. I was out, but I had to work the next day so I went home at around 10.30.

One hour later, they get home. I pretended to be asleep. Andre opens my door, and starts talking to me. I ignored him, and he told everyone I needed a hug. So I had all three of them on top of me in my bed hugging me. Obviously, I started struggling. Then this happened:

Andre: “Ha, you’re so tiny and useless. You couldn’t get me off you. I could so easily rape you. Hey Nicole, look at how I could rape her.”

Then he mimed raping me, for a good ten minutes while Daniel and Nicole laughed hysterically.

I tried hitting him, but then he ‘accidentally’ punched me in the face. (The accidental nature of that punch has been questioned.)

So then I kicked Daniel in the balls, because Andre likes him more than me and that made them leave.

Most offensive conversation so far.

This took place as Daniel drove us through creepy back streets trying to find the dealer.

Me: “I think this is a dead end. Turn around.”

Daniel: “Yep, a dead end. A creepy dark alley with a dead end. Well, guess there’s no choice but to rape you. Look, there’s even a dirty mattress over there.”

Andre: “What the hell, is this some wedding night? You going to throw some rose petals down too? We don’t need a mattress to get our rape on.”

Me: “I’d like to go home now.”

Conversation with Andre

Andre: “Dealer isn’t calling us back! We need you to ask twitter for weed.”

Me: “No. No. No, I’m not going to do that. No.”

Andre: “Come on. Just do it in a sarcastic cryptic way. Just type ‘Holden? wink face’ and the weed shall come.”

Me: “No! Not everyone talks like you fucking idiots and I’m not fucking asking Twitter for weed! NO.”

Andre: “Fucking bitch, what’s the point of all those people if they don’t get you weed?!”

Me: “Did you know the NSW police follows me on Twitter?”

Andre: “What the fuck, the cops have internet?! Can they do that?!”

How Andre deals with stress.

Firstly, I need you to understand something. Andre doesn’t really lead a very stressful life. He’s a student, living with friends, steady relationship, financially secure etc etc. Yet he is the least relaxed person I know. Upon first meeting him, you would not agree with me. But shut up and listen for a bit and you’ll see what I mean.

Andre deals with stress in a very simple manner. Examine the following scene and see if you can find the method he employs.

Me: “Masterchef is almost on, where’s the remote?”

Daniel: “Uh, I don’t think I have it.”

We all look for a few minutes. The show has started. No big deal, right?

Me: “I can’t believe we’ve lost it again.”

Daniel: “Haha yeah it’s-“

Andre: “FUCK!!!!!”

And that’s what he does. Reacts in a loud and profane matter to mundane situations, giving Daniel and I heart attacks in the process. We have learned to see it coming and cover our ears when Andre starts twitching and pacing.

Andre, I’m begging you, get on the Prozac.

those games you play

Two fun little games the boys play that drive me insane.

John Edwards: While walking next to a road, Andre will suddenly yell “John Edwards” and cross over (get it?) the road at a death defying moment. All people with him must also run.

I spy for blind people: Fun fact about me, I often lose things. And when I say ‘often’, I mean ‘constantly’. My phone, my headphones, my wallet and my shoes are the most commonly lost items. When I lose things, I search by myself for awhile, then make the terrible mistake of asking the boys if they’ve seen the item. What follows is always the same conversation.

Me: “Have you seen my black shoes?”

Clown: “Here they are.”

Me: “No, that’s an apple.”

Clown: “I see you’ve played this before!”

Me: “Oh, hilarious. Seriously though, have you seen them?”

Andre: “Yeah, they’re here.”

Me: “No. No, that is a fork.”

And then the boys laugh and throw their items at me and simply ignore any subsequent requests for help.

Various Conversations, Part Something

Clown: “We HTB tonight?”

Andre: “Prody gee it.”

(Note: In that conversation, the boys established that they would have a night filled with drugs and debauchery.)

———

Clown: “Wes hefty oscar!”

Andre: “He gee-d that!”

(There, we have the boys discussing the marijuana purchase made by a friend of theirs.)

———

Andre: “That’s how we do…by Fiddy Cent.”

(That is Andre’s reaction to anyone questioning his behaviour at any one moment.)

———

My life in a photo. From left: Keirin being a creep, Andre ‘fixing’ my hair, Daniel giggling in the background, Nicole not helping.

My life in a photo. From left: Keirin being a creep, Andre ‘fixing’ my hair, Daniel giggling in the background, Nicole not helping.

Andre gets biblical.

Me: “My arm hurts from that goddamn genital warts vaccine needle. I don’t see why only women should have to have it.”

Andre: “Because all women are sluts.”

Me: “Be that as it may, this still hurts.”

Andre: “You’ll have to speak to Eve about that, the original sin whore who fucked everything up for you. You all being sluts hurts us men.”

Various Conversations, Part Something

Clown: “Okay, remember how to spell Arncliffe because i’ll need to put it in the GPS.”

Andre: “….I can spell Andre, that’s pretty close.”

Me: “Are you fucking serious?”

Andre: “No, I guess not…but I can spell Andre, super fast.”

——

Clown: “Do my Buddhism assignment for me.”

Me: “Not going to do that.”

Clown: “Ugh you bitch. Now I’m angry, and now I have to get stoned. And the assignment won’t get done. Thanks.”

——-

Clown: “Have you seen the bong? It’s just my mum was here yesterday and I can’t find it now.”

——-

Why texting Andre never produces useful results.

Why texting Andre never produces useful results.