i live with crazy people.

Hierachy

Rachel: Maybe I sit on people as an alpha female, status thing?

Me: Maybe it’s a misguided belief in a status thing?

Andre: I think Megan might be onto something. She’s got that strong thing going on and doesn’t sit on people.

(I was happy at this point.)

Andre: See, she’s sort of a dude. But you both still have tiny brains and I don’t.

Hygiene

Andre: “I can’t find my toothbrush! I’ve looked everywhere.”

Me: “Maybe one of the boys took it on the weekend.”

Andre: “I have used it since then you bitch! I brush my toothbrush to…teeth…I don’t know, find my fucking toothbrush!”

Me: “It must be at your grilfriend’s. Just go there.”

Andre: “What if it isn’t, and I get there, and I don’t have one?!”

Me: “You realise by now that you have had sex with her? You can use her toothbrush. If she has a mouth disease, you’re gonna get it anyway.”

Rachel: “No, pour hot water on her toothbrush first.”

Andre: “Yeah, I always pour boiling water on her mouth before I use it.”

————

Rachel: “Oh no, I accidentally put my ear scratching finger in my eye. It’s all downhill from here.”

(All of Rachel’s fingernails are short except for one. She keeps it long purely to scratch her ears with.)

———-

Me: “Mick, you want some butter chicken for dinner?”

Mick: “I don’t know, will it make me do filthy shits?”

New year, new housemate and a new fetish.

Don’t worry, I still live with Andre and yes, he still torments me.

The new housemate is Michael, known as Mick or Swine.

He’s tall and very crude and very odd. He fits right in. I’ll do a detailed post about him sooner or later. In the meantime, a conversation between Andre and us:

Andre: “Guys, look at this fucking MacBook. It’s amazing.”

Mick: “Definitely cool. You gonna put your dick inside it?”

Andre: “Nah I was thinking I’d just rub it on and around it. Maybe put my dick inside it later, in bed. Fuck, my girlfriend’s here tonight.”

Me: “That sucks, you’ll have to have sex with her instead of the MacBook.”

Andre: “Nah fuck that. She’ll just have to get used to the MacBook being in my bed.”

those games you play, part 2

Beer Grylls:

Bear Grylls is famous for his television show Man vs Wild, in which he is placed in harsh environments and shows the audience how to survive using the tools of the environment around him.

Beer Grylls is a game involving drunk people and beer. A person is handed a beer and “Beer Grylls” is yelled out by a bystander. The beer holder then is not allowed to use a bottle opener to get his beer open, but has to use a tool nominated by the caller. e.g.:

Me: “Andre! Beer Grylls! Picnic Chair!”

Andre: *struggles* *beer smashes on the ground*

Andre also somehow managed to break his best friend’s iPhone during that attempt.

All in all, while this game seems hilarious at first, it will usually end in less beer and a few fights.

New Year’s Eve

This story is about a friend of the boys’, we’ll call him Nogie because that’s what he is called.

Nogie had gone to the pub with the rest of us. He had a fine time, as did we all. After the pub closed, us patrons moved outside and waited for plans to emerge for the rest of the night. This is where the trouble began.

Nogie and a friend were standing around when a rather angry bystander called them both faggots. Not the first time this has happened, but unfortunately Nogie chose to respond with the phrase ‘Grow up mate.” This was unfortunate because the bystander was in fact a midget, and did not see the hilarity in Nogie’s response.

Naturally one thing led to another as it always does with these goddamn boys, and a brawl began. Nogie held back the midget with one hand, but then apparently he felt bad at the imbalance of the fight so he bent down and asked the midget to punch him a few times. The midget obliged.

Later he told a girl that he had ‘no problem killing a woman’. Her boyfriend had a few issues with that statement and the brawl escalated.

Lesson learned: midgets are cranky as hell.

Quitting.

Andre is quitting smoking. He’s very tense. I’m not allowed to blog anything funny about it, because that makes him very angry apparently. He compared me blogging about him to the Ancient Romans killing thousands of slaves for public amusement.

Other things that make him angry at the moment:

- People smoking

- People talking about smoking

- People telling him to smoke.

- Me telling him not to smoke.

- Being sober, which apparently makes the cravings worse

- Being drunk, which also apparently makes them worse

- Losing any health on any video game

- Any person disagreeing with him on any issue at any time

- Sitting still

- Breathing

- Existing

It’s going to be a tense few weeks.