April 2010
2 posts
Hierachy
Rachel: Maybe I sit on people as an alpha female, status thing?
Me: Maybe it’s a misguided belief in a status thing?
Andre: I think Megan might be onto something. She’s got that strong thing going on and doesn’t sit on people.
(I was happy at this point.)
Andre: See, she’s sort of a dude. But you both still have tiny brains and I don’t.
March 2010
3 posts
Hygiene
Andre: “I can’t find my toothbrush! I’ve looked everywhere.”
Me: “Maybe one of the boys took it on the weekend.”
Andre: “I have used it since then you bitch! I brush my toothbrush to…teeth…I don’t know, find my fucking toothbrush!”
Me: “It must be at your grilfriend’s. Just go there.”
Andre: “What if it...
February 2010
0 posts
New year, new housemate and a new fetish.
Don’t worry, I still live with Andre and yes, he still torments me.
The new housemate is Michael, known as Mick or Swine.
He’s tall and very crude and very odd. He fits right in. I’ll do a detailed post about him sooner or later. In the meantime, a conversation between Andre and us:
Andre: “Guys, look at this fucking MacBook. It’s amazing.”
Mick:...
January 2010
2 posts
those games you play, part 2
Beer Grylls:
Bear Grylls is famous for his television show Man vs Wild, in which he is placed in harsh environments and shows the audience how to survive using the tools of the environment around him.
Beer Grylls is a game involving drunk people and beer. A person is handed a beer and “Beer Grylls” is yelled out by a bystander. The beer holder then is not allowed to use a bottle...
New Year's Eve
This story is about a friend of the boys’, we’ll call him Nogie because that’s what he is called.
Nogie had gone to the pub with the rest of us. He had a fine time, as did we all. After the pub closed, us patrons moved outside and waited for plans to emerge for the rest of the night. This is where the trouble began.
Nogie and a friend were standing around when a rather angry...
December 2009
3 posts
Quitting.
Andre is quitting smoking. He’s very tense. I’m not allowed to blog anything funny about it, because that makes him very angry apparently. He compared me blogging about him to the Ancient Romans killing thousands of slaves for public amusement.
Other things that make him angry at the moment:
- People smoking
- People talking about smoking
- People telling him to smoke.
- Me...
November 2009
7 posts
This is an audio file of Andre and a few friends...
The Age of the Crate
Here’s a crate:
Multiply that by around 35, and you have the total number of crates in our house.
One day Andre decided that instead of furniture, that’s what we needed. So he began finding them. I don’t know where they came from. All I know is that I’d be sitting at home and he’d come in the front door with four or so of them. Gradually they accumulated and we...
At least they're learning.
Andre: “Nah man I don’t really like anal hey…Oh Rose, hey there…”
Daniel: “Okay like the third time, I had her up against that wall there…Oh Rose, you’re still here! Sorry.”
Some guy on my couch: “Yeah her muscle control was amazing. I paid like a thousand bucks…. Rose you should leave for the rest of this story actually..”
Social networking 101
Daniel: “I have too many friends on Facebook. I’m going to delete people.”
Me: “I wish I was brave enough to do that.”
Daniel: “Yeah…hey, do you think I should delete the girl from high school whose mum I fucked?”
Me: “Uhhh, tricky question. You could make great ‘your mum’ jokes to her.”
Daniel: “True. Plus...
Worst conversation ever.
Me: “Yay, new Nintendo 64! Let’s play Goldeneye!”
Daniel: “Yes! Great idea. I’ll get the controllers connected.”
Andre: “Nah guys, I want to spend my study break watching Jamie Oliver.”
Daniel: “Oh yeah sure man, that’s cool. Hey Rose, clean the kitchen so I can cook dinner.”
An end to famine, Andre style.
Andre: “Why doesn’t someone just build a massive McDonalds in the middle of Sudan? That’d shut them up.”
Me: “I don’t think quickly served high fat food is what they’re crying out for.”
Andre: “Well fuck them, they can just get served gruel then. In fact, they should build a huge nuclear power plant. Either there’s a massive Chernobyl...
The rape lesson.
One night, Andre, his girlfriend and Daniel went out drinking. I was out, but I had to work the next day so I went home at around 10.30.
One hour later, they get home. I pretended to be asleep. Andre opens my door, and starts talking to me. I ignored him, and he told everyone I needed a hug. So I had all three of them on top of me in my bed hugging me. Obviously, I started struggling. Then this...
June 2009
3 posts
1 tag
Most offensive conversation so far.
This took place as Daniel drove us through creepy back streets trying to find the dealer. Me: “I think this is a dead end. Turn around.” Daniel: “Yep, a dead end. A creepy dark alley with a dead end. Well, guess there’s no choice but to rape you. Look, there’s even a dirty mattress over there.” Andre: “What the hell, is this some wedding night? You going to throw some rose petals down too? We...
1 tag
Conversation with Andre
Andre: “Dealer isn’t calling us back! We need you to ask twitter for weed.” Me: “No. No. No, I’m not going to do that. No.” Andre: “Come on. Just do it in a sarcastic cryptic way. Just type ‘Holden? wink face’ and the weed shall come.” Me: “No! Not everyone talks like you fucking idiots and I’m not fucking asking Twitter for weed! NO.” Andre: “Fucking bitch, what’s the point of all those people if...
1 tag
How Andre deals with stress.
Firstly, I need you to understand something. Andre doesn’t really lead a very stressful life. He’s a student, living with friends, steady relationship, financially secure etc etc. Yet he is the least relaxed person I know. Upon first meeting him, you would not agree with me. But shut up and listen for a bit and you’ll see what I mean. Andre deals with stress in a very simple manner. Examine the...
May 2009
5 posts
1 tag
those games you play
Two fun little games the boys play that drive me insane. John Edwards: While walking next to a road, Andre will suddenly yell “John Edwards” and cross over (get it?) the road at a death defying moment. All people with him must also run. I spy for blind people: Fun fact about me, I often lose things. And when I say ‘often’, I mean ‘constantly’. My phone, my headphones, my wallet and my shoes are...
1 tag
Various Conversations, Part Something
Clown: “We HTB tonight?” Andre: “Prody gee it.” (Note: In that conversation, the boys established that they would have a night filled with drugs and debauchery.) ——— Clown: “Wes hefty oscar!” Andre: “He gee-d that!” (There, we have the boys discussing the marijuana purchase made by a friend of theirs.) ——— Andre: “That’s how we do…by Fiddy Cent.” (That is Andre’s reaction to anyone questioning his...
1 tag
My life in a photo.
My life in a photo. From left: Kierin being a creep, Andre ‘fixing’ my hair, Daniel giggling in the background, Nicole not helping.
1 tag
Andre gets biblical.
Me: “My arm hurts from that goddamn genital warts vaccine needle. I don’t see why only women should have to have it.” Andre: “Because all women are sluts.” Me: “Be that as it may, this still hurts.” Andre: “You’ll have to speak to Eve about that, the original sin whore who fucked everything up for you. You all being sluts hurts us men.”
1 tag
Various Conversations, Part Something
Clown: “Okay, remember how to spell Arncliffe because i’ll need to put it in the GPS.” Andre: “….I can spell Andre, that’s pretty close.” Me: “Are you fucking serious?” Andre: “No, I guess not…but I can spell Andre, super fast.” —— Clown: “Do my Buddhism assignment for me.” Me: “Not going to do that.” Clown: “Ugh you bitch. Now I’m angry, and now I have to get stoned. And the assignment won’t get...
April 2009
6 posts
1 tag
Why texting Andre never produces useful results.
Why texting Andre never produces useful results.
1 tag
The Foxtel issue.
Today, Andre and I decided we desperately needed and wanted Foxtel. (I saw a pop up ad, it may have influenced me.) Naturally, we turned to Clown to tell him of our awesome plans. He pointed out that he doesn’t have a job and has no money. I sighed and accepted the facts. Andre…did not. Clown applied his stunning logic to the conundrum. ANDRE: “Look man, how much do you spend when we go out?...
1 tag
The past week.
I asked the boys for a quick summary of their week, as we haven’t spent much time together and I thought it’d be a nice bonding experience. This is what they described. Smoked weed 11 times. 4 tabs of acid. 12 drinking sessions. 3.5 pills, and some speed. 11 packs of cigarettes. Clown also visited his parents, he said it was nice.
1 tag
Vodka and its effects on Andre.
Vodka and its effects on Andre.
1 tag
Andre's attitude towards women, in quotes.
“Two syllable words can be complicated for you, because you are a woman, with a tiny, tiny brain. Please try to keep up though.” “I would like to declare on behalf of myself and Clown that our house is OPEN to any guests who want to sleep in Rose’s filthy, disease-ridden bed, and any further protest from the owner of said bed will be evicted by a two-thirds majority.” “Seriously, like, if you were...
1 tag
Blurb of the movie the boys are about to watch.
Blurb of the movie the boys are about to watch.
March 2009
4 posts
1 tag
Nicknames.
Andre: Ondy. Daniel: Clown. Me: Sunburnt STD prone cancer stricken aids riddled gangrene crusty whore criddle.
2 tags
Things Andre has done.
1. Set fire to his own pants. 2. Roll around in the ground while slurring ”happy dance”. 3. Try to swallow his phone after we gave it to him and told him to put it in his pockets. 4. Eat baked beans on toast for 6 meals in a row. 5. Play Super Smash Bros for over 3 hours for 8 days in a row. 6. Quickly kiss his best friend in a pub because I told them they were too close. Sure proved me wrong. 7....
4 tags
Various conversations, Part 2
Me: “Stop fidgeting so much.” Andre: “I can’t help it. It’s this whole not having weed every day thing. How do you do it? There’s so much time that needs filling. I mean…all those seconds. And you have to….do stuff. All the time.” —- Me: “Call me when you’re at uni, I’ll probably be there.” Andre: “Yeah cool, I’ve got Psychology so I’ll see you later.” (5 hours later, I get home.)...
2 tags
Why I don't like going out with Clown in public.
Clown is a very opinionated person. I like it 99% of the time, but he has a nasty habit of stating these opinions in tricky situations. EXAMPLE: Clown and I are at the local shopping centre. I was returning $200 worth of homeware to Kmart, because my mother is a strange woman who decided I needed a gourmet foccacia toaster more than towels or knives or any of the other reasonable things I asked...
February 2009
7 posts
4 tags
Urban dictionary, Part 1.
There are many ways in which the boys and I speak differently. The main difference seems to be that I use actual words, whereas they like to create their own. Here I shall provide some of their words, and the definitions (in the cases that there is one). Riddel: Little. “Rose, make me a riddel bit of dinner.” Friddel: To get or be stoned. “Rose, come get friddel with us boys.” “Rose, I got a...
3 tags
Andre the strategist.
Today Andre’s Girlfriend, otherwise known as Girlfriend # 2, otherwise known as Nicole, started setting up a twitter account. I quickly saw how this would end. She’d make the account, follow me, see the link to my blog, see old tweets laughing at her boyfriend (and her, to be frank) and start yelling. Nicole has a rather shrill voice so I wanted to ensure that when she started yelling, it wasn’t...
1 tag
Things I have found in our kitchen today.
A bong. A pack of condoms. Container of suspicious mushrooms. 8 different types of wine. Flyer for the brothel on our street.
4 tags
Various conversations, Part 1
Clown: “How much is an ounce?” Andre: “Around 300.” Clown: “Grams?” Andre: “Oh…we’re not talking about weed?” —- Andre: “Hey Rose, what do you know about poisonous mushrooms? Like, if Clown has this now, how long should I wait before having mine?” Clown: “Fuck, I’m not the test!” Andre: “Well, I’ll look it up on the net then…fuck, Clown!” —- Both (constantly) : “Don’t tell (insert...
3 tags
The tabs on Andre’s Firefox. On a Wednesday...
The tabs on Andre’s Firefox. On a Wednesday afternoon.
3 tags
A bit more information.
Might just help set the scene for you. Not only am I living with two crazy people, those two crazy people are dating my two best friends. This leads to awkward and weird situations. EXAMPLE: Party at our place on the weekend. Clown and my friend Rachel, his girlfriend, have a massive drunken argument. She then burrows her way into my bed and announces she is sleeping there. I (soberly) point out...
3 tags
Hi.
I have started this blog to document the (mis)adventures of the people I live with. This won’t be one of those sophisticated blogs full of current events, witty stories, great links and intelligent opinions. If you’re after something like that, I recommend www.robertcorr.com or www.annikskelton.com. This blog is purely so I can share how crazy my housemates are. I’ll now provide a short profile of...