i live with crazy people.

Most offensive conversation so far.

This took place as Daniel drove us through creepy back streets trying to find the dealer.

Me: “I think this is a dead end. Turn around.”

Daniel: “Yep, a dead end. A creepy dark alley with a dead end. Well, guess there’s no choice but to rape you. Look, there’s even a dirty mattress over there.”

Andre: “What the hell, is this some wedding night? You going to throw some rose petals down too? We don’t need a mattress to get our rape on.”

Me: “I’d like to go home now.”

Conversation with Andre

Andre: “Dealer isn’t calling us back! We need you to ask twitter for weed.”

Me: “No. No. No, I’m not going to do that. No.”

Andre: “Come on. Just do it in a sarcastic cryptic way. Just type ‘Holden? wink face’ and the weed shall come.”

Me: “No! Not everyone talks like you fucking idiots and I’m not fucking asking Twitter for weed! NO.”

Andre: “Fucking bitch, what’s the point of all those people if they don’t get you weed?!”

Me: “Did you know the NSW police follows me on Twitter?”

Andre: “What the fuck, the cops have internet?! Can they do that?!”

How Andre deals with stress.

Firstly, I need you to understand something. Andre doesn’t really lead a very stressful life. He’s a student, living with friends, steady relationship, financially secure etc etc. Yet he is the least relaxed person I know. Upon first meeting him, you would not agree with me. But shut up and listen for a bit and you’ll see what I mean.

Andre deals with stress in a very simple manner. Examine the following scene and see if you can find the method he employs.

Me: “Masterchef is almost on, where’s the remote?”

Daniel: “Uh, I don’t think I have it.”

We all look for a few minutes. The show has started. No big deal, right?

Me: “I can’t believe we’ve lost it again.”

Daniel: “Haha yeah it’s-“

Andre: “FUCK!!!!!”

And that’s what he does. Reacts in a loud and profane matter to mundane situations, giving Daniel and I heart attacks in the process. We have learned to see it coming and cover our ears when Andre starts twitching and pacing.

Andre, I’m begging you, get on the Prozac.

those games you play

Two fun little games the boys play that drive me insane.

John Edwards: While walking next to a road, Andre will suddenly yell “John Edwards” and cross over (get it?) the road at a death defying moment. All people with him must also run.

I spy for blind people: Fun fact about me, I often lose things. And when I say ‘often’, I mean ‘constantly’. My phone, my headphones, my wallet and my shoes are the most commonly lost items. When I lose things, I search by myself for awhile, then make the terrible mistake of asking the boys if they’ve seen the item. What follows is always the same conversation.

Me: “Have you seen my black shoes?”

Clown: “Here they are.”

Me: “No, that’s an apple.”

Clown: “I see you’ve played this before!”

Me: “Oh, hilarious. Seriously though, have you seen them?”

Andre: “Yeah, they’re here.”

Me: “No. No, that is a fork.”

And then the boys laugh and throw their items at me and simply ignore any subsequent requests for help.

Various Conversations, Part Something

Clown: “We HTB tonight?”

Andre: “Prody gee it.”

(Note: In that conversation, the boys established that they would have a night filled with drugs and debauchery.)

———

Clown: “Wes hefty oscar!”

Andre: “He gee-d that!”

(There, we have the boys discussing the marijuana purchase made by a friend of theirs.)

———

Andre: “That’s how we do…by Fiddy Cent.”

(That is Andre’s reaction to anyone questioning his behaviour at any one moment.)

———

Andre gets biblical.

Me: “My arm hurts from that goddamn genital warts vaccine needle. I don’t see why only women should have to have it.”

Andre: “Because all women are sluts.”

Me: “Be that as it may, this still hurts.”

Andre: “You’ll have to speak to Eve about that, the original sin whore who fucked everything up for you. You all being sluts hurts us men.”

Various Conversations, Part Something

Clown: “Okay, remember how to spell Arncliffe because i’ll need to put it in the GPS.”

Andre: “….I can spell Andre, that’s pretty close.”

Me: “Are you fucking serious?”

Andre: “No, I guess not…but I can spell Andre, super fast.”

——

Clown: “Do my Buddhism assignment for me.”

Me: “Not going to do that.”

Clown: “Ugh you bitch. Now I’m angry, and now I have to get stoned. And the assignment won’t get done. Thanks.”

——-

Clown: “Have you seen the bong? It’s just my mum was here yesterday and I can’t find it now.”

——-

The Foxtel issue.

Today, Andre and I decided we desperately needed and wanted Foxtel. (I saw a pop up ad, it may have influenced me.)

Naturally, we turned to Clown to tell him of our awesome plans. He pointed out that he doesn’t have a job and has no money. I sighed and accepted the facts. Andre…did not. Clown applied his stunning logic to the conundrum.

ANDRE: “Look man, how much do you spend when we go out? That’s spare money you know.”

CLOWN: “That is not spare money, it’s party money and is therefore important money. Get your act together.”

ANDRE: “Alright man, look, we’ll cover your share for awhile. She’s got a job, it’s all good.”

ME: “Um, what the fuck, no. I’m standing right here. No.”

ANDRE: “Ignore her, she’s got no idea what she’s saying.”

CLOWN: “Let it go. Maybe when I’m not beneath the poverty line. Anyway, did you want a stick or a fifty? Gotta give the dealer a call soon.”

The past week.

I asked the boys for a quick summary of their week, as we haven’t spent much time together and I thought it’d be a nice bonding experience. This is what they described.

Smoked weed 11 times.

4 tabs of acid.

12 drinking sessions.

3.5 pills, and some speed.

11 packs of cigarettes.

Clown also visited his parents, he said it was nice.

Andre’s attitude towards women, in quotes.

“Two syllable words can be complicated for you, because you are a woman, with a tiny, tiny brain. Please try to keep up though.”

“I would like to declare on behalf of myself and Clown that our house is OPEN to any guests who want to sleep in Rose’s filthy, disease-ridden bed, and any further protest from the owner of said bed will be evicted by a two-thirds majority.”

“Seriously, like, if you were a girl I would punish you..”

“Fight her Kierin! She’s just a girl anyways.”

“Nicole, do not patronise me. I will be forced to prove how masculine I am by beating on you, like all other real men.”

“Rose, I would rather you get raped than Kierin’s feelings get hurt, even a little.”